Wednesday, April 1, 2009

AIM Names

Today we tried to find my lovely roommate Xochi a new AIM screenname, and it's really harder than it should be. Here is a list of some of the epic failures that we tossed around while brainstorming. I thought they were hilarious! If you can think of any other really tragic screennames, please, comment with them. I love a good laugh.

And without further ado, for your giggling pleasure....

  • navalsealofficer
  • broncorider
  • hallucinator4000
  • jollyjogurter
  • healthyeater
  • hansolo
  • scoochyourcooch
  • milf(insert stream of numbers)
  • hottamomma
  • ihavenolegs
  • boardogslayer (we actually kind of liked this one...)
  • gingersnap

Now I'm off to get my bowl on. I cashed in my piggy bank today... $90 in quarters! Holla! So of course, I'm pretending I live the high life, and going to 99 cent bowling night.

Hasta luego!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Then I Stumbled Upon Pictures I Tried to Forget...

So, it's been quite awhile since I've made an appearance here. I've been struggling to stay above water with a sick mum, travel plan stress that's turning out to be much larger than it should, random exercise and diet attempts, bathing suit shopping (now you can see why the dieting), a workplace that may or may not be being sued and just underwent a huge "HR internal investigation", and playing catch-up on my health with doctor's appointments galore. I battle for my sanity nearly daily, seeing as how I work with middle schoolers, and to top it all off, I've been absolutely addicted to HGTV and Food network. I am so domestic.

The world is absolutely crumbling to pieces before us. Optimistic, I know, but that's what it's looking like nowadays. I've been following the news when I can without feeling the urge to throw myself in front of the largest, fastest vehicle on the road (thank goodness in situations like this for living in the lifted truck driven by douche bag capital of the world!), and things are looking bleek. The governor was set to sign the CA budget today, and it's looking... scary. I'm no expert with these things, I'm nowhere near an economist, but I'm shaking in my boots. In the words of my mother, and probably every else's mother in the whole world, "Welcome to the real world!"

My dad forwarded me something called "StumbleUpon", a website that lets you register (for free!) and choose your interests, and then it directs you randomly to different sites all over the internet that pertain in some way or another to the interests you selected. You can also choose channels, like news specific to certain regions, countries, states, etc. (Joel, guess why he sent this to me. Ready, go!) I selected random stuff, and got some interesting websites about activist shirts, cooking (full of really appetizing looking pictures), poetry (meh), and even a robotic arm! This is the ultimate cure for boredom. I'm telling you. Do it. It's addicting. To get from one site to another, you just click the "Stumble" button in the top right corner. You'll never want to stop. You'll wonder, "Hmm... what is on the other side of that Stumble button?" and even if the site you get to is lame, you'll think, "Just one more stumble!" Maybe I'll try to incorporate this into my diet plan. Instead of one more cookie, or one more string cheese, I'll treat myself to one more stumble here and there, between meals.

That's all for now folks. Get to stumbling. I have to go hold my sick mum's hair. Ay ay ay.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

This just in... Nora's way funnier than I am.

So, I just read Nora's first blog, and I came to a startling realization... Nora is way funnier than I am in blog land. I just don't know how this can be. I'm definitely funnier than her in real life, unless of course you're talking about visually. Nora's funnier-looking than most people I know. What really gets me though is that I studied writing! I am a bachelor of writing, or something, and Nora is somehow better able to convey funny than I am through words. Perhaps it is because she says mean things, or because she uses curse words. Perhaps it's because she puts people down, and people love the abuse. So, for the sake of competing with Nora: Fuck you, and please die, you worthless piece of shit. Stop reading this blog and go scrape the barnacles off of your dick instead!

There, it's settled. Nora and I are equally funny.

Come back soon!

Monday, November 24, 2008

There's no real thread to this post, but you might like it anyway.


My boyfriend's sister bought me mistletoe today at the grocery store. She didn't have much of a choice, really; I just threw it in the cart. It looked nothing like the picture I posted, and it figures. I'm trying to holiday cheer myself out. Being a big kid during the holidays can put a big damper on the hooplah. Nonetheless, as the season gets closer and closer, I'm getting more nad more excited. I'm totally ready to put up the tree at the house and start some decorating. For whatever reason, I'm all about corresponding scents with decor, so I think I'll buy a cinnamon Glade plug-in or something to add to the cheer. I'm ready to start some serious seasonal baking and do some serious holiday eating, but I'm not excited about the subsequent pants-not-fitting and the self-conscious-about-everything-I-wear that comes right after all of it. I'm much more of a gift-giver than a gift-receiver (I always freak out thinking too hard about if I'm reacting appropriately to gifts. "Do I look happy?" "Do I look too happy?" "Do I look fake happy?!"), but my budget isn't making much room for mind-blowing gifts, and I'm pissed. I'm tossing around the idea of opening up an American Express for the occasion, but part of me says that's a terrible idea, and the other half knows that part is right. Bah hum bug. I guess I'll scrooge it up this year, and not by choice. Still, I'm buying my boyfriend a fantastic gift, a... yeah right, sucker. Nice try.

Whoever said that it takes money to make money was right, and an a-hole. I recently got a new job that pays well and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy at the end of the day. It requires me to travel a lot, but I'm dealing with it, and I only want to kill myself when I'm stuck in traffic for hours at a time. This is a huge step up from my kinda-former job that makes me want to kill myself everytime I think about it. (Just so you know, I'm only making an insensitive joke here. I haven't really thought about suicide for at least 7 or 8 years... Awkward, and hilarious because I can imagine the look on your face right now.) My job even offered me a super bitchin' promotion, contingent upon me taking a few tests and getting a few certificates. These tests and certificates have set me back a good $250+ though, which is probably a quarter of what I've made there thus far, and that makes me sad inside. I guess I've just gotta keep my eye on the prize.

I'll steer you here away from the real world, and back to a world of cheer and celebration. I'm a bit of an amateur baking enthusiast, and I love to decorate cakes. Last week I made an Elmo cake (shaped like Elmo's big ol' face), and a bowling-themed cake ("Hope your birthday's a strike!") with my roommate, and they turned out fantastically. Look for pictures coming soon. I've got two other cakes in the works right now that I'm not at liberty to discuss. The internet is really good about ruining people's surprises. Without it, the whole world would never have known that Disney routinely hires exhibitionist pre-teens! That cat's outta the bag though, and creep-o men all over the world couldn't be happier.

I recently saw the Twilight movie. That's all I'm going to say about it, though. I'm sure every other fourteen year old in the world is blogging about it right this second, or already has, so I'm sure you have plenty to read about on that subject if you feel the need. But to field just a few questions... Yes, I've read all the books. Yes, I love them. No, I'm not letting myself fall (back) into fandom. That's just pathetic. You'll never see my name written with Cullen as my last name, and you won't find any hearts with "Jasmine + Edward = Love for Eternity" scribbled in the middle of them. Those have all been shredded already.

I'll leave you tonight with these words of wisdom. When things get tough... hug it out, bitch.

P.S. Xochi... You can be Jessica, or Carlisle. <3

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Hey guys, come on in!



Welcome, welcome. So this is my very first blog for iGalapagagoo, and interestingly enough, my very first blog ever for anything anywhere. I'm quite sure that it will take me a little while to get used to this blogging stuff, and I'm not quite sure what you'll find here, but I'm guessing you can expect random stories of my daily wanderings, perhaps some of my writings, complaints, pictures and miscellaneous other junk. I'll start off by telling you that I just found a totally awesome channel on Directv. I came home this morning with coffee and a breakfast sandwich in hand, planning to clean my room and do some chores. I settled down on the couch, figuring I'd treat myself to a terrible wedding show on WEtv or Style since no one is home to judge me, but the most interesting thing on the tele (pronounced tell-ee... I'm bloody British) was a documentary on Mondrian (the painter, fool). The show was surprisingly awesome, with interviews of art historians who traced the guy's life and discussed the inspirations for some of his paintings. Tonight they're showing a piece on Cindy Sherman (the photographer, fool) as part of their "Framed!" series, and I will probably not watch it because I'm bad at remembering to watch TV, but it does look pretty interesting. The channel is called "Ovation TV" and is dedicated to creativity in all media. You can check them out online, or if you're a sucker like me and you have Directv (I made a rhyme!), it's channel 274. Just watch a few minutes of it, you uncultured son of a gun.


A few days ago I was talking to some friends about traffic. We all live in a tiny community that has one road in and out of it. Often times the road will get backed up with non-residents tryingn to outsmart one another and circumvent some freeway traffic. They exit the freeway just south of our exit, come up a backroad, and then cram our road up with traffic to get back on the freeway, having successfully exchanged 30 minutes and 1 mile of freeway traffic for 30 minutes and 1 mile of side street traffic. These folks think they're clever. One of the girls in the car had dated a guy who drove a huge lifted truck and she said that when he was stuck in these lines, he would often get off the road and drive on the dirt shoulder to pass all of these freeway genuises. He wasn't getting on the freeway, so he figured it was no biggie. But let me tell you. It is a biggie, because after you pass everyone on the dirt, you have to merge BACK into the long line, making it harder for everyone else who waited honestly in line to get where they're going. This is a pet peeve of mine. I hate this sense of entitlement people give themselves. You're just like everyone else. Wait in line, and don't be a dick. It's not that hard.


So, yesterday I went to Disneyland with some friends for our darling Brent's 23 birthday. We had a long but fulfilling day of ride-riding, line-standing, and insulting one another-ing. The park closed and it was time to go home. We stood in line to catch a tram, and if you've ever been to Disneyland, you know this is the equivalent of the worst thing in the entire world. There is NOTHING happiest place on earth-y about those damn lines, unless you love the sound of tired, screaming and crying children, and the feeling of pushy, disgruntled parents jamming you in the back of the leg repeatedly with strollers. We had a first-timer with us, my roommate Xoch, and we led her towards the end of the tram queues because that's generally the best place to get on. Yesterday, however, was an exception. The first tram was full by the time we got in line, and we were about halfway in the pack by the time the second arrived about fifteen minutes later. It took a bit for the second tram to get on its way, partly because the tram folks kept yelling at people to get behind some yellow line so the tram could depart. One man stood solidly and politely, hands crossed in front of him, just ahead of the yellow line, and it was clear that he simply did not understand the things that were being yelled at him. Finally an employee came by and shoo'ed the man. He understood the universal sweeping hand gesture for "step back" and complied. The third tram finally arrived, and we were at the front of the line, ready to go. We hurried into a middle row, but I felt an enormous amount of pressure and pushing from behind us as we approached our seats. I turned to the side to see a stampede of renegade high school kids pushing through the crowd and jumping on the tram. One particularly large fellow sat next to my boyfriend and started shoving him over with his hips in an attempt to clear space for some braces-faced girl pal of his who still couldn't fit. She jumped on the lap of one of her peers, despite the voice on the intercom yelling, "No lap sitting! If you don't fit, wait for the next tram! Excuse me, no lap sitting, please!" These kids were out of control, and my already frazzled nerves were spent. My boyfriend tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to the yellow line where the quiet man still stood with his family, his hands crossed politely across his body. These bratty, disrespectful kids had pushed forward from the back of the line and fought their way onto the tram in front of this good, honest man. I was livid. I started making loud remarks about the rudeness, the lack of respect, but these kids weren't paying any attention. What bothered me the most was that their "leader" was there, a man about my age (early to mid twenties) named Mr. Nunez, and Mr. Nunez condoned this type of behavior. What sort of mentor would permit this? I was disgusted. "MY kids," I always say in these situations with reference to my hypothetical kids of the future, "would NEVER get away with behaving like this in public. They'd never DARE," and visions spring through my head of me assuming the role of the disciplinarian, wooden spoon in hand. These kids were in some sort of a choir and felt as if they were entitled to something because they could harmonize and because they fundraised. I wanted to get off and give the man and his family our bench, but Disneyland won't let you exit the tram on the driver's left hand side, and there was no way we were getting past Tubby and Metal-Mouth, so it didn't work.


What it all comes down to is this... I don't care who you are, who your daddy is, what you drive, or what special talents you think you have. You wait your turn in line like everyone else. You ain't special. You ain't shit. RAHS choir... I'm talking to you. Watch yourselves. And parents out there, you may think I have no right to judge the way you raise your kids, but I have to share the earth with them, and I'm not happy about it. Teach your kids some respect, or I will.


And with that, my new friends, enjoy your day. I hope you're hungry, because the forecast for the future is Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.